Lonely

Kurri ate all he could. Why does all resistance food have to be so spicy? The sweet rice at least balances it out a bit. Even so, Kurri can’t find much of an appetite. He makes himself eat little bits of food here and there but mostly just sits by the fire, alone on one of the log seats.

Camp is usually lively at this time, but the people still here don’t have much to say. Razha and Maris are busy in the alchemy lab, and Zal went with them. They have Ketha, Krev, and Nadia, each alone on their own side of the fire, and Kurri filling the fourth side of the square.

Someone steps over the log and sits down on the ground next to Kurri, leaning back against the log. He has a scrambled mess of black hair, and a rough leather vest. He leans his head back and looks up at Kurri with his dark brown eyes.

“Oh hey, Perra,” Kurri says.

“You can tell!” Perra says.

“Yeah, you’re really pretty different.”

“How do you feel?” Perra says.

“I don’t know. Kind of distant. Like this place isn’t real and I’m far away from it.”

“It’s still an unfamiliar place to you, even though you already have such strong memories of it, right? That’s how a new basecamp always is for us too.”

“I feel like I’m lonely, but also that I want to be alone,” Kurri says.

“Want some company to be alone with, then?” Perra says.

“Sure. Away from here,” Kurri says.

“Let’s go.” He stands up and spins around in a smooth motion, extending his hand to Kurri. He takes it and Perra pulls him to his feet.

Away from the fire, the night air is growing cold. Kurri pulls his hands inside his jacket sleeves. He looks down as they walk through the tall grass, with blue lightning bugs crawling on its wide blades and swarming above the field. He walks next to Perra through the katal field. He’s getting used to the scent the more time he spends here.

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” Kurri says.

“Hm? What’s on your mind?” Perra says.

“I’m not a violent person or anything. I came here thinking I’d just be acting as a healer, that there’s a clear line between medics and strikers. You and Filla said as much. Razha seems to see that line as being more blurry, and she gave me a weapon. I didn’t really think I’d want to ever use such a thing. But when I was captured on White Ash Mountain, I felt so defenseless. I thought about reaching for my weapon, but I hadn’t brought it.”

“Would it have made any difference? From what y’all said, they had y’all pretty outnumbered.”

“We were outnumbered when we broke out of the storage shed too, but Lein and Kalen didn’t even hesitate to try to take on those soldiers with only a sledgehammer. I didn’t really believe we would get out of there. Maybe I’m just not brave like them.”

“The way Kalen told it, they couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Only because so I’m small that my wrists could slip out of our bindings.”

“Being small has its advantages,” Perra says. Kurri looks over at him and remembers that Perra and Filla are actually a point or two shorter than he is. He forgets this. It feels like everyone in this camp towers over him, even the shorter ones.

Kurri continues, “And then, the other day when they brought those sents to the clinic, I thought Annia was out of its mind suggesting we should let patients die. But it’s because of them that Nisho and Tollin are gone now, and the whole clinic and all our patients. Everything we did for them was for nothing. And I can’t help but think that Annia might have been right, and we could have prevented all that if we let a few people die. But I hate myself for even thinking that, it goes against all the ethics of a healer.”

“Ethics out here are a little different than back where you came from. It’s nothing you should hate yourself for.”

Kurri stops, staring at the ground beneath him. Perra notices and turns and walks back to him.

“I don’t want to become that kind of cold person who could so flippantly abandon a life,” Kurri says.

“I don’t think you will, Kurri,” Perra says. “I think you feel so conflicted because you have such strong convictions, and you wouldn’t ever let yourself abandon what you believe, even if you have to modify your ethics a little to survive.”

“Do you really think I’m strong? It feels like I’m just going along with everything that’s been happening,” Kurri says.

“Nah, that’s more like our life. We didn’t have any choice but to go down this path, after everything we had was taken away from us. But you, you chose to be here, you just walked away from a comfortable life to jump into the fire with us. You can’t possibly think that didn’t take strength, and courage,” Perra says. “I think you’re a lot stronger than you let yourself realize.”

Kurri stands mesmerized as several lightning bugs encircle his comrade and then fly off. “It’s strange. Before I joined the resistance, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like anyone actually believed in me. Sure I was the prodigy student, and everyone had their expectations of me, but that feels completely different.”

“Well sure it’s different. We don’t expect anything of you but what you give. We’re your comrades, your friends,” Perra says.

“Really? I thought you and Filla were just nice to me because I’m another medic here to help you.”

“Nah, fact is we’re lonely here too. We’re not like the others either, we’re not violent people. We’re healers. You’re the only one in this camp that really gets us, you know?” Perra extends his hand to Kurri.

He takes it. “I guess I feel the same way.”

Perra pulls him forward as he keeps walking, and Kurri quickly catches up beside him. Perra shift his hand around to interlock their fingers together. It feels really warm.

“Maybe I’ll carry that gun tomorrow,” Kurri says.

“If you think you’re ready.”

“I don’t want to feel so powerless again. I’ll probably be too busy medicking to even think about fighting, though.”

“Yeah, I bet we will be.”

They come out of the katal field to the clearing before the huge sprawling tree and Perra’s garden. Kurri goes along with wherever Perra is leading him, and they come to a huge tree root tall enough to sit on. Perra lets go of his hand and sits down there. Kurri takes the seat next to him. They are overlooking the valley from atop the cliff. Starlight does not reveal much of what lies below. There is only a squirming sea of blue and green light, the star beetles and the lightning bugs which are all very active at this hour. They make as many points of light below them as the stars in the clear sky above the ridge, as if they’re surrounded by starlight on all sides.

Kurri is shivering, his jacket still not enough to weather the cold nights at this altitude. With his eyes transfixed by the stars, he feels Perra’s arm around him pulling him close to his warm body. He lays his head down on Perra’s shoulder. He feels warm here, and safe, just like when they descended the cliffside together.

“It’s your first major operation tomorrow, right?” Perra says.

“You mean White Ash wasn’t a major operation?”

“Comparatively, no, this one will be way hotter. There ain’t much sneaking around involved in this plan, and there ain’t nowhere to run to if it goes bad,” Perra says.

“Are you nervous?” Kurri says.

“Of course. Every time the enemy raises a gun on us I just know the chances that somebody isn’t gonna make it back home. We’ve seen too many bullet wounds. Not many people come back from them. And there’ll be a lot of guns facing us tomorrow, that’s for sure.”

Kurri feels him squeeze him tighter.

“How about you?” Perra says.

“Horribly anxious. I don’t know if I’ll get any sleep tonight.”

“We never get much sleep before an action like this. And the worst thing is being alone on those anxious nights,” Perra says.

“Is that why you’re holding onto me like this? Or is this just how anarchists are?” Kurri says.

“Anarchists kind of are like this. But also, I just like holding you. And holding your hand. And going on ops with you. And being around you. I like you a lot, in fact. Is it okay?” Perra says.

“Me? Why?” Kurri lifts his head up and looks over into his eyes, but Perra looks away, nervously.

“Well, you’re kind of...adorable, you know? You act like a little animal running around being cute, not knowing what’s going on. But really, inside you’re living so true to yourself and doing what you think is right, no matter how overwhelmed you feel doing it. You’ve never once said, ‘I don’t want to do that,’ you always just run off on every mission and do everything you can to help. I think you’re great, you know?” Perra says. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah. I think this is okay,” Kurri says.

“Good, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You’re wrong about me, Perra.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. I haven’t been true to myself at all, so I’m gonna start tonight. Because, I also like when you hold me, Perra... And...I like you.”

“Oh? What do you like about me?” Perra says.

“Um, well you’re so confident and fearless all the time, and I guess I find that attractive, and I feel really safe with you. I’m always grateful when we’re on a mission together, I feel like I’m not alone.”

“Aw, you’re sweet, Kurri.”

“And...I really like when you hold me. You’re really warm,” Kurri says.

With his arm around Kurri he reaches with his other hand to turn his face around to face him. Kurri finds himself staring into his deep, dark eyes.

“I think,” Perra says, “you have the prettiest eyes, and I love the way your hair kind of keeps falling in front of them and you keep trying to brush it out of your face.”

“Oh, I just, I guess I decided to just let it grow when I left home. I’ve always wanted to, but I never thought I could before, I guess,” Kurri says.

Perra slides his hand across Kurri’s forehead and sweeps the blonde hair out of his eyes, holding it out of the way. His touch sends a chilling shockwave through his body.

“I, I really like your eyes too, they’re so deep and I could get lost inside them,” Kurri says. “And I...I really like when you touch me like that. I...”

“Kurri...” Perra stares deep into his eyes. Kurri has always been uncomfortable with eye contact, especially prolonged contact like this. But this is comfortable, somehow. “Can we kiss? Would you like that?”

Kurri feels a sense of panic. He reaches to feel his pulse on his wrist. It’s fast, but not fast enough to be concerning.

“Sorry if that was too forward of me,” Perra says. “We don’t have to--”

“Sure, yes, why not,” Kurri says.

Perra pulls him in closer. Kurri closes his eyes. He feels their lips touch and Perra’s take hold of his. It feels nice, his first time kissing a boy, or anyone. He doesn’t know how long it is--lost in the moment, outside of time--until Perra separates from him.

“That was nice,” Perra says.

“Um, yeah, yeah it was nice,” Kurri says, looking away from him and out over the dark valley.

“Perra, I--I don’t know...I don’t know if I even want this kind of relationship in my life right now. I’ve never really thought about that kind of thing...I wasn’t sure if I could even have this kind of feeling for anyone at all.“

“That’s okay Kurri. I don’t think I’m much the type for relationships either. They’re kind of complicated for us, sharing a body and wanting such different things out of it and all.”

“That must be confusing,” Kurri says.

“All the time. But, while I’m around, we can just have some comfort, without it having to have any kind of obligation of going anywhere, if you’re okay with that,” Perra says. “At least, I wouldn’t mind not being alone tonight, if you’ll stay with me.”

“That...that sounds nice. But, I haven’t really done anything sexual before either, and...I don’t know if I want that.”

“Your mind sure goes to a lot of places, Kurri.”

Kurri sits up abruptly, flapping his hands nervously. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Kurri.” Perra takes both his hands and Kurri turns to look into his hypnotic brown eyes. “Don’t worry about it. I ain’t really done nothing like that either, you know. I ain’t hardly even been in crew with someone near our age before, you know? This doesn’t have to go anywhere we don’t want.”

“Okay,” Kurri says. “I’d like your company tonight too, then.”

“I’m glad,” Perra says.

“Could we, could we kiss some more?” Kurri says.

“That sounds nice,” Perra says.