Haunted

Razha is in her tent. The morning birds are singing loud. A gentle breeze rocks the canvas wall of her little sanctuary. Razha pulls her hands out of the blanket and feels her hair, thick and soft, woven into a long braid. She slides her hands down the smooth skin of her face and on down to her chest. She feels her small breasts in her hands. They exist, they are hers. She moves further down and traces the curve of her waist, like a little piece of her had been carved out on each side.

She rolls over as her eyes well with tears. There’s something so euphoric about the little things sometimes. She lays on her stomach, beneath her all of Helbender Mountain. What a wonderful place, she thinks. She is crying, she isn’t even sure if it is joyful or sorrowful. Emotions can be so confusing.

She feels a soft touch on her back. Nadia wraps her up in her arms and pulls her tight into her strong embrace. Razha buries her face in her chest trying to suppress her tears.

“What’s wrong dear?” Nadia says.

“I love you Nadia.” Razha puts her arms around her and squeezes her tight.

“I love you too.” Nadia gently strokes the back of her head.

She turns her head to lay against Nadia’s chest. Her heartbeat is comforting. “I love you so much. I didn’t mean to leave you behind after Misthaven, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Razha, that was years ago.”

“I never told you,” Razha says. “I left with my cadre without coming to find you, I could have though. I was afraid, Nadia, I didn’t want to fall in love again.”

“Oh, Razha, my Razha,” Nadia says. “All I care about is that we are together now. Will you stay with me this time?”

“Of course, I don’t want to leave you again, I’m not leaving here without you,” Razha says, looking up into her deep dark eyes.

Nadia wipes the tears from around her eyes with her fingers. She pulls Razha up toward her face and kisses her, holding her there for a long time before letting go of her lips. They lie in each other’s arms for some timeless eternity before Razha starts to feel overheated.

She untangles herself from Nadia’s embrace and the blankets and crawls over to her clothes.

“Are you okay?” Nadia says.

“Yeah. I need some air is all,” Razha says.

“I’ll see you at breakfast, then,” Nadia says, laying back down and wrapping the blanket around herself.

Razha dresses herself in her black pants and tightens her belt, her knife always hanging from it. She pulls on her black undershirt and laces up her black drake leather boots.

She climbs out from under the entrance flap into the bright morning sun. She stands upright and stretches her arms out to her sides. She looks around. The camp is quiet now, just past sunrise. But she knows who else will be awake at this hour. Walking around one of the colossal old trees, she finds Zal sitting there smoking what smells like a mix of katal and hazeweed.

Zal tilts their head back to look up at her in the adorable way they do. They smile at her. They’re wearing their tattered grey shorts and sleeveless grey shirt, made of at least three other shirts haphazardly sewn together--the thin layer they wear when they want to wear something but can’t find the motivation to put on real clothes yet.

“Always know right where to find you Zal, so wonderfully predictable,” Razha says.

“Only to my friends, never to my enemies,” they say.

Razha sits down, leaning against the tree next to them. They feel around the moss next to their leg until they find her hand and hold it.

“What a beautiful morning, I’m glad we could enjoy it together.” Zal offers her their half smoked roll.

“Ah, thanks, but you know I don’t like katal,” she says.

“I’ll make the next one with just haze,” they say.

“I’ve been in a bad place, Zal. The past.”

“Ah, I see.” They take a long draw in and blow their smoke out away from Razha. “That officer, huh, that was her, right? Ilyssa.”

“You’re the only one I’ve ever told almost everything to, Zal.”

“Everything except where you got that gun.”

“Nobody knows that,” she says. “But you know most everything else, you know. While we were clinging to each other for warmth in the brutal Talheim winter, I really let down all my barriers for you. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world I’ve been so vulnerable with.”

“Those were the days,” they say. “Desperately trying to get some frozen twigs to catch a spark so we could try to get some ice to melt long enough to make soup. Ah, it’s every wonder we’re still alive.”

“Is there anything we can’t do together?” Razha says.

“There sure ain’t anyone who can stop us from doing it,” Zal says.

“I didn’t think I’d see Ilyssa again, you know? What were the odds? How many damn ships are there we could’ve gotten?”

“You sure handled her well, though,” Zal says.

“You could say nobody knows her weaknesses like I do.”

“Do you want me to ask you how you feel about this?” Zal says.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“How do you feel?”

“Fucking weird, Zal. You ever felt kind of...nostalgic, but it’s bad?”

“Yeah. I usually find something to put in my body to make me forget it.”

“Maybe after this operation. If we ever get another calm moment after that.”

“I’ll hold you to it,” they say. “There’s always witchsight.”

“It’s like, being out here in the mountains makes me feel like the past and the city are so far away I’ll never run into them, and then here she is to ruin that delusion.”

“Poor Razha, all the forces of the Empire can’t bring you down, but against a girl, you’re powerless,” Zal says. Finished with their katal roll, they make one out of pure hazeweed like they said and offer Razha the first hit of it.

“I don’t even want to think about the time before, you know. And here it’s come to find me instead.” She takes her hit and hands it back. “Then I think, who the fuck else am I gonna run into from the past? I don’t really want to see any of them.”

“It’s no fair. The past should stay in its time.” Taking the haze with their left hand, they return the right one back to Razha’s hand. “I feel like I do this a lot. Like I’m the commune counselor or something.”

“Maybe you’re a comforting presence,” Razha says.

“Ah well, you can talk to me anytime you need Razh, I love you.”

“I love you Zal. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, you know. I know you don’t like to put labels on things, but I hope that one’s okay.”

They look over to look into her eyes. “Aw, you’re my best friend too Razha. I can live with that one.” They stand up and brush the loose moss from their legs. They look back at Razha. “Flower of Helbender.”

“Almost, but not quite I think.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll finalize your next name before the enemy gets their version out. And it’ll be cute and not scary this time.”

“You’re great, Zal.” Razha stands up. “What are your plans today?”

“After breakfast I’m scouting out the mission site one more time. More eyes are always better, if you’d like to come along. Might be good for you to be active and distracted rather than sitting around with your thoughts right now.”

“You’re damn right about that. Besides, I kind of want to stay near you. There’s something about you that’s, I don’t know, grounding,” Razha says.

“That’s fine, I’ll enjoy your company.”